He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
