Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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