So drunk its hurt
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
