my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
