My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
