I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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