I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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