Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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