did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I can't turn off my feet"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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