I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
