just come out here and I will go home with you...
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
