Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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