have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
