goodnight i made you a song goodbye
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
