Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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