im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
