what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
