i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
