I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
