So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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