there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just had sex on a roof
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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