Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
