did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
