Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
