i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
