his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
