Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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