i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
