You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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