Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
