Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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