Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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