i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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