Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
