Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
