I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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