All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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