he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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