nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
