Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
