So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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