Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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