So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
