if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
