i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
