So drunk its hurt
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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