I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
