My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
