she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
