There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
