She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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