Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm like, not good at living.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
